Accomplishment As Artwork

I won’t lie: there are a lot of things I want in life, and some of them I’d even pay for. Rather than listing them in some aimless order so that I can feel bad about not having these things, I will instead focus on one thing that is actually attainable: a hidden driveway…

I’ve wanted a hidden driveway for as long as I can remember, which is sometime between yesterday and tomorrow. I was driving on a busy road when I saw the sign to my right that denoted the hidden driveway existed while implying I should be careful of it. And I was because who am I not to follow a sign, especially when it pertains to something hidden?

Many would consider hidden driveways to be dangerous because a person who backs out of such a location may be hit by oncoming traffic or even outgoing traffic, or even a wandering turtle with a jetpack. Sure, there are rearview and side mirrors, but those with hidden driveways are rebels, and rebels don’t use mirrors except to adjust their ski masks and glow-in-the-dark sunglasses…

One may now be wondering why I would want a hidden driveway if they are indeed so dangerous. To begin, it would help to cut down random visits from people I don’t want to see. I could even be extra nice to these people, inviting them over for the best cheesecake this side of Mouseville. But then, alas, they’d never find my driveway. Thus, I’d be known as a nice person who “unfortunately” lives at a location that is hard to find. This would also elevate the reputation of the cheesecake…

The better reason for wanting a hidden driveway, though, is that it would make me seem like a secret agent every time I leave for work, head for the local convenient store, or even move the car so that there is more room to play horseshoes. To add to the mystique of my persona, I would leave the driveway only when it is dark outside, or when everyone else is at some local festival that I skipped because of how hidden I am. Eventually, after a couple of years of keeping up this routine, I would not even need a car because no one would be able to see it anyway, which contradicts the reason for having one. Rather, I would walk everywhere that is within walking distance and everything else I would have delivered…

Such would be the life of a person with a hidden driveway. If you have one, please invite me over sometime soon so I can practice backing out of one…

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, “Progressive Revelations,” has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

I guess I’m what you’d call “accidentally semi-successful”. When
I started my website 3 years ago I knew absolutely nothing -
still don’t, but I’ve gotten very good at faking it. I’d like to
take credit, claim that I’m savvy about Internet Marketing,
write a nice fat ebook on the subject to sell for $97, but the
fact is I’m not sure how it’s happened.

Here are a few things I’ve begun to suspect to be true…

It’s easy to be #1 on Google if you can’t remember that you’ve
already written what you wanted to say in your content so you
repeat yourself, inadvertently ending up with extensively rich
keyword densities.

Search engine robots love to crawl your ever-updating site
because you just can’t make up your mind if you want the menu on
the top or on the left.

You couldn’t sell water to a dying man in the desert so you give
everything away - visitors love you for it and keep coming back
for more.

If your writing stinks, don’t worry. People pop in for the free
stuff, look around a bit, then click on those pay-per-click ads
to get out of there in a hurry!

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

GET A GRIP - GRANNY’S BACK IN TOWN!

– Or, Go Granny Go! –

According to Webster, (a wicked if not witless wordsmith), a “granny” is “a fussy person”. Others refer to her as a “Shrew”, a “Sourpuss” or possibly a “Supreme Snit-Face”.

Clearly, “granny” ranks right up there together with all the other pejorative terms used to describe women of a certain age as being “a hag”, “a harridan” or just “a handful”. With few endearing qualities or redeeming features, it’s not surprising that there are so many unpleasant things associated with “grannies”. Just take a look.

First, there’s the “granny knot” (responsible for creating more than a few tongue-tied folk with twisted knickers). Second, there’s the well-known “granny lane” (where all the putzes with puddle-jumpers hang out or else hug the shoulder for dear life). Then there’s the infamous “granny dress”, (a long sack worn by those whose boobs have fallen by the wayside, whose hips ressemble those of a heffalump, or whose flat feet now fit nicely into army boots). And last but not least, there’s the god-awful “granny suite”, (a quaint place where offspring lodge their mother because the dog-house is aldready occupied).

For the benefit of those “freedom-fifty females” out there who do not want to sit in a rocking chair, knit wooly hats, and listen to crooners from days gone by - toss your grumps, groans and gripes. It’s time to gird your luscious loins, grab your giddy-up-and-go attitude, and give your gorgeous gutsy head a shake!

Here’s your list of top ten things to do to become a “flamboyant fickle floozie”, a “happy hook-line-and sinker”, or a “tantalizing tart with a heart”:

1. Buy a boa (the bigger the better and the most colorful one on the rack, because this one has your name on it …”Burlesque Babe”, “Buxom Baroness” or “Blue-Movie Queen”!)

2. Borrow the most erotic novel you can find in the library (then you know it’s passed the censure’s test in case the kids ask - and carry it conspicuously everywhere you go - it’ll be a great ice-breaker and hot conversation piece at any capricious cafe or captivating cocktail party!)

3. Beguile a child to lend you a sparkly magic wand and tiara, plus one rubber toad (these are “must have” ingredients for turning nice young men with tight buns into Princes at midnight; they’re also a visible reminder to nasty nitwits of what’s in store for them if they so much as think a naughty thought or talk back to the Queen of Quips, Quirks & Quidnuncs!)

4. Check out your nearest hunting and fishing club (it’s the only place to shoot the breeze or shoot the bull with the best blowhards and feisty fly-catchers in town!)

5. Visit a shoe-store and pick out the best pair of glass slippers you can lay your eyes on (if they don’t have any in stock, ask who makes the best brand …because you need to replace the pair of steel-toed stilettos you misplaced at the last ball you attended if you recall!)

6. Put on your dancing duds, turn down the lights, and crank up the mood music (listen up there “Goody-Two-Shoes” …how can you meet Mr. Right unless your neighbors know you’re one very potent party-animal who simply adores the dog-trot, the dog-paddle, or better yet …a daring dog-catcher!)

7. Sign up for some high-energy hoopla (you know … the steamy, strut your stuff, svelte exercise programs such as private pole-dancing, strip-tease yoga, and winking for wimps!)

8. Learn to play golf (it’s the only time you can talk about balls with great abandon, rent a cute-looking caddy for the day, a carry a long club without any questions asked, or just knock the socks off the other fellows in your foursome as one very spicy, sophisticated, sultry, swinger from Shady Lane!)

9. Practice your pillow-talking skills (by whispering sweet nothings into your bed-linens or singing saucy songs in the shower; that way you’ll constrain that crazy urge to canoodle and be ready to meet Prince Charming, disguised as a shoe clerk, who’s eager you try on that little glass slipper silly!)

10. Memorize some provacative parlour pick-up lines (like “Okay, if I shake MY Booty, then will you come out and play?” “Granny Smith doesn’t live here …but if you’re Johnny Appleseed …I’ll show a you good time in my Garden of Eden”, “Keep ringing my chimes like that and I’ll have to call the Big Bopper on you!”)

And if this doesn’t work for you, take a hint from one wisewoman with a wishbone — run out and join the circus. After all, who wouldn’t want a couple of “boisterous broads” to liven up the greatest side show on earth!

About the Author

Aphrodite Beamish, a sexagenarian siren with a penchant for candy kisses, pink girdles, and black fishnet stockings (among other delightful diversions denied to most glee-oriented, glad-handing gorgeous gadflies) can usually be found lollgagging about in her chaise longue in the Court of The Quipping Queen with a lot of other quirky quidnuncs. See http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com/

What ever happened to good old fashion, fundamental
copywriting? Has anyone seen AIDA? I mean, before you can
run, you first have to learn how to walk, right? Yet, I see
it over and over again. Marketers who can’t even write a
simple headline are trying to “hypnotize” readers
with “psychological copywriting,” because that’s what a few
of today’s copywriting experts are telling them they should
do!

I’ll let you in on a little secret. If you master the
fundamentals of copywriting, you’ll automatically be writing
hypnotic, psychological copy, because that’s the essence of
the AIDA formula. Here’s a perfect example of the type of
fundamental copywriting I’m referring to:

Following is a sales letter written by someone whom I have a
tremendous amount of respect for, Dr. Kevin Nunley. I chose
not to use a sales letter I’d written myself, because I
thought that might appear to be self-serving.

ATTENTION AUTO SHOP OWNERS!

Are you making the kind of money you deserve?
Could your business use a kick-start? Are you looking for
that easier, more effective way to run your business without
working 60 hours or more a week?

CLICK HERE TO GET MY FREE SPECIAL REPORT

The 5 Biggest Mistakes Most Auto Repair Shop Owners Make
Causing Them To Go Broke, Or Retire Worrying About Money!
And How You Can Prevent It From Happening To You!

LET ME SHOW YOU EXACTLY HOW I GREW MY SHOP FROM JUST AN
IDEA, TO THE BUSIEST AUTO REPAIR SHOP IN TOWN THAT WAS
PRODUCING $25,000 PER BAY ON A MONTHLY BASIS!

This is a true story that can be your story, too! I really
did it–I started with nothing but an idea for my own repair
shop, and grew it to be the best one in town. Just a few
years later, my shop was producing on average $25,000
dollars per bay. This almost doubles the industry standard!
The best part about it was that I did not even need to be at
the shop!

It may sound amazing, but you can do it, too. Lucky for you,
you don’t have to go through all the trial and error that I
did. You don’t have to make the same costly mistakes, or
jump into things with blinders on. I can show you what to do
every step of the way.

Welcome to RobRussellInfo.com! My name is Rob Russell. I
have designed this website to provide valuable information
to anyone interested in succeeding as a shop owner. If you
are a technician looking to get started with your own
operation, or a seasoned shop owner looking for help in
making your shop more profitable, I can help.

As you may be aware, most repair shop owners started out as
technicians (or mechanics). Most of these technicians are
very good at what they do, but unfortunately, they don’t
know much about all the aspects of running a business:
production, finance, management, customer service, etc. As a
result, many shop owners end up being overworked, and become
a slave to the business, working long hours with lots of
stress. ARE YOU ONE OF THESE?

I CAN HELP!

Using my systems, strategies, and techniques, you’ll be able
to handle all the complicated business aspects of running a
repair shop…without all the stress the other guys are
under. Less stress and simpler operations means more time
and energy to spend pleasing your customers–which is what
any successful shop needs to do.

YOU CAN LEARN FROM MY EXPERIENCE!

My cutting-edge systems are the same systems that have
allowed me to build my own shop into a model for the
automotive industry. I developed these industry-specific
procedures after making lots of mistakes myself, including
one that cost me $10,000.

Through trial and error, I learned what works and what
doesn’t, and how to build a successful auto repair shop.

BUT IS IT FOR ME?

YES! Whether you’re just one guy starting out in your own
small shop, or a larger shop with 6 or 7 bays and 20
employees, my system will work for you!

I have designed this system to be step by step, and at the
same time be flexible for you and your style. No “cookie-
cutter” approach here. These are real world, proven
techniques, that I used myself, in my own shop!

WHAT DO I DO NEXT?

You simply have 2 choices.

First you can keep doing the same things that you have been
doing, and hope that you will stumble onto the answers
before you get burnt out and go broke.

Or you can simply check out the rest of my website (link to
about Rob page) and see if I’m the kind of person that you
would like to work with.

I can guarantee you that if you are serious about improving
both your business, and your quality of life, I can help you
get there. And the best part about it is we can have fun
doing it!

LISTEN TO MY FREE TELESEMINAR:

“How To Make A Million Dollars A Year With Your Auto Repair
Shop While Only Working 20 Hours A Week!”

“Don’t Take My Word For It, Listen To What My Clients Are
Saying About My Program”

THIS COULD, AND SHOULD BE YOU TOO!

Listen to a very happy shop owner:

Have fun and may you be as profitable and successful as you
deserve to be!

Sincerely,

Rob Russell

Nationally Recognized Auto Repair Shop Marketing and
Business Expert

Contact me
Office number: 503-628-7837
Office Fax: 503-628-5438

The above sales letter is one of the most fundamental, yet
highly effective sales letters I’ve ever had the pleasure of
reading. How do I know it’s effective? Because when I asked
Rob Russell for permission to use his sales letter in this
article, I also asked him if the letter was working for him.
And he told me that he was very pleased with the results.

I should also mention, in the interest of keeping this
article as brief as possible, I intentionally left out the
testimonials. If you would like to see the sales letter in
its entirety, you can view it here:

http://www.robrussellinfo.com

That sales letter is a simple but psychologically powerful
example of copywriting, because it follows the AIDA formula
to the letter:

A= ATTENTION: The very first thing your ad or sales letter
must do is get your prospects “ATTENTION”. The very best way
to do that is with an effective headline. So, what’s an effective headline? An effective headline is any headline that answers the question: “What’s in it for me?” That’s all your prospects really care about. What’s in it for them?

I= INTEREST: After you get your prospects attention, you
want to get them “INTERESTED” in your product or service.
You do that by immediately telling them what your headline
promises. You don’t waste their time with a bunch of fluff
and garbage that nobody but you cares about.

D= DESIRE: You have to make your prospects “DESIRE” your
product or service. And the way to do that is with benefits,
benefits and more benefits!

A= ACTION: You want to close your ad or sales letter with a
call to “ACTION!” In other words, ask them for the order.
It’s important to ask for the order at least three times,
preferably six or more.

Anyway, that’s it. You’ve just seen an example of
fundamental copywriting at its finest.

Forget about trying to write a brilliant, psychological ad
or sales letter. Follow the AIDA formula faithfully, and I
promise you, the brilliance will take care of itself!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dean Phillips is an Internet marketing expert, writer,
publisher and entrepreneur. Questions? Comments? Dean can be
reached at mailto: dean@lets-make-money.net
Visit his website at: http://www.lets-make-money.net